True Emotions

I told myself that I was going to keep my second DUI to myself and my close circle of friends, which after I got it turns out is smaller than I thought, but I have a lot going through my mind I need to get off my chest right now.

Over the last couple of years I have been hiding, not socially but emotionally. I have surrounded myself with people who I thought were friends, or lovers, or boyfriends for almost 6 years now, since I returned to the twin cities. The more I changed, the more I hide, the more I hurt myself, the fewer and fewer of these "friends" I had. The less real my relationships with men were. The further and further I slipped away from myself. The deeper and deeper I hide in this "glamorous" Minneapolis lifestyle, one I now see many twenty-something year old's get lost in when they are unsure how to handle the reality of life.

I came back to the Twin Cities from Mankato in March of 2006, almost 6 years ago to the day. I was struggling and unhappy in Mankato, and thought that it was the city that was the problem. I told myself it was the small town, there was nothing there for me and I could never be happy there because I had no clue who I was, or what I wanted. I am unsure why I thought moving home would all of a sudden flip a switch and I would know what I wanted in life, who I wanted to be, and magically be happy. I started off by deciding I wanted to have gastric bypass surgery, and mentally I assumed losing the weight I would be happy and that would fix all my problems. I then added getting a real job, and enrolling back in college on top of that in a 6 month period and I "knew" soon I would be happy and all these changes would make me a happy adult.

What in the world was I thinking, none of that made me happy, it made me more confused. I was surrounded by all these new things, people, life styles and the only thing which really changed is people, well men, noticed me. I went from the fat wing man to people giving me attention. That did not mean I was giving them the real me, most the time I was out partying or I was putting up a front or a wall to ensure I would not get hurt that they just got a fake jack in the box me. At first I saw this as no big deal, everyone in my social circle loved to go out 4-6 nights a week for drink specials and then laugh about what happened the night before at the next happy hour. We prided ourselves on being known by the bar tenders or that we knew so many people at specific bars because we were all regulars not a one of us really looked at the bigger picture, and sadly I was the youngest in this social circle at the time.

Then one night after having some wine with a girl friend I was asked to leave because she had a booty call coming over. This was a practice most of the girls in my social circle had, they would get drunk, call random men over, have sex and tell them to leave. I could never get myself to do that, I attempted the Friend With Benefit angle, got hurt and realized I was too much of a "goody goody" to do the whore act. Well I was not feeling over the top but should have known better, I had not drank much prior to this in my life and even when I did it was in Mankato where we walked, crashed, or had some way of getting home in the small town. Well I lost control of my car, totaled it and got DUI 1 in 2007. That of course made my large social circle go down a few sizes, my roommates and best friends started to stop inviting me out. In return I stopped drinking, going out, etc and focused on work and school.

Well then graduation came along a year and a half later, at this time I was living on my own and dating the on again off again boyfriend. I lived 2 blocks from calhoun square, and everyone I knew loved it, but once again I started going out all the time, downtown, uptown, dinkytown. I had a new confidence to me, I was doing well at work, now a college grad, had a man I could play like a yo-yo and would do anything for me, and everyone was my friend, so I thought. I now see they were not my friends, they liked that I had a crash pad close to DT MPLS and the Uptown action and all they needed to do was buy my drinks and I would let them crash. Due to where I was living I always bused or cabbed NEVER drove when I was drinking and NEVER let people drive home when drinking.

Shortly after college was done, and work got more and more stressful, I was left feeling empty. I started to feel lonely, even thought I had a boyfriend. I did not feel like I had anyone to turn to, even though my phone was always going off for happy hour invites. I was simply lost as to "what now" or "who am I?" Living paycheck to paycheck, in a relationship that was never healthy, struggling to figure out where I wanted to go next in life, I started to ignore raw emotion and let the bar, or the bottle take control.

Finally March of 2011, after being on and off with my boyfriend he convinced me to move in with him. I ran through all the scenarios, and was scared due to our track record and all the times he had hurt me, and I went and did stupid things as a result, but this time it seemed like a great idea. He seemed to really want to step forward, he is 7 years older than I afterall. I had enough of being alone, leading men on and making them believe I was going to put out only to piss them off when I would get gun shy, sure the Pinot Grigo, or Vodka would talk one hell of a game when I was chatting online, or via text but when they showed up for a good time, well they might as well gone and hung out with their Grandma at 1am.

At first things were different and I was feeling happy again. We were living together, doing things together, and seeing more of each other then ever before. We also were getting to see the true side of each other. I limited my drinking to when we were watching sports at his families, or going out. He was never a big drinker, and being we met at a bar he assumed I was and it was one thing he did not enjoy about people since his dad was an alcoholic. At this point in time I had quit smoking for him so what was giving up drinking? Then in true fashion he started to run when things got close. He also spent more time trying to change and mold me then actually working on us as a couple. Now I get that I am over weight, and I could use some assistance, and was open to it, but to tell me to start running because it would be good for me but then later that night ask for some loving, you are nuts!

Work was getting stressful, not knowing what was to come with my boyfriend at that time, stretched for money, supporting not myself now but someone else, and having friends who always wanted me to drop at their call to be with them was getting the best of me. He was pulling away and we had our own rooms and beds at this point and I went back to my habits. Hid wine in the closet, vodka in the sock drawer, went to friends and stayed there. Then in July came Luna, no no not a child but a puppy. He said I could get a puppy because a Dog would do us good. Only to find out two weeks later he was starting to see other women and not tell me.

July 25th, after 5 years with my company I lost my job, Luna happened that following Friday and now I am once again confused and lost. I now have nothing but time, and a puppy to take care of. No one warned me that a puppy was a lot of work, and today I do not regret a moment of having her because without her I am unsure how the last 6 months would have been. From August til Early September I would take care of Luna, and hang out with my "boyfriends" family helping where ever I could since I had the time. Cleaning his sisters house, working on cars with his Step Dad, making him dinner, doing laundry, cleaning, etc. I would then sit and wait for him to go to bed around 11pm and hang out with Luna, Leila, and Choo and drink and chat on facebook. If I was not at home I was at one friends who loved to hang out and take shots.

For a while Luna gave me a sense of purpose, I was good because I had to get home to take care of the dog, etc. Then when I realized one of the two at the house would take care of her if I asked I stopped caring as much. Let's not deal with what is really going on in our head, or the world you live in and just "have fun." Finally after all this, and who knows what went on in his head he starts seening someone else, lied to me about it, and I finally one day in August come home from a day with one of my good friends in Stillwater to the new lady in "our" home and they are leaving to go out, it was a Friday. All he could say was "I did not think you would be home" and avoided me for days.

I went and walked Luna, my friend went home, I ran and got a bottle of vodka and that would be the night I started talking to my now boyfriend on Facebook. True Nicole style, lets go ahead and talk to who ever online when drunk. I am hurt at this point, and he tells me how he remembers me from high school, and asked for my number so we could text or talk and plan a time for him to take me out. After weeks I let my guard down and have been asked to move out as well and let him take me out. I was doing it more for spit then to really date, nor was I sure if I would like this guy, he looked alright in his pictures but I had no clue who he really was. We of course met up after we had been out partying, and had a drink, were he came back to my place we talked, he went home in the am and I expected to NEVER hear from him again. I felt more victorious, and hung over because now he saw that I too could get someone new.

Well the next few months I was homeless, living in Texas, back to Minnesota, homeless and then living with a crackhead. Then went to living in a motel, or homeless all while trying to get over a 5 year relationship, the news he killed my cats, training Luna, finding a job, and being one hot Vodka mess. Mid December I finally find a place to live, which I can write a whole blog about that on itself, and through all this mess the mystery man from August is still around. I settle into my new place and like anytime I move act good, I am not drinking, only going out once a week and focusing on Luna and then after new years something hits me. I am back to the same games, going out all the time, surrounding myself with people I discover are drinking buddies not friends. Letting someone else take care of Luna and not me. Still no luck with a job, struggling for money yet some how this guy is not giving up on me, and wants to be with me.

After a month of dumb luck, I was at a friends apartment for their birthday party, I was intending to have one or two drinks and that was it, but since I can not say no to "friends" I ended up having more, and having shots, and assuming I was staying there for a while. Then everything is a blur, I recall everyone giving me hell about not having a job, and having a horrible boyfriend and there was fighting. I went to grab my bottle and leave, even though I should not have, and I accidentally grabbed someone else bottle with mine. It started a fight, I was told to leave, and they called the cops on me, and here I am now. Second DUI, on house arrest blogging at 4am because I can not sleep.

I have lot my license, car, "friends" and chance to work in corrections. Through out all of this it has made me think, I have been sober for almost two months. I spent 4 days in jail where the only things I could think about is what would happen to Luna, and will my boyfriend still be with me. I put all the puzzle pieces together when I was clear headed. I have gone through everything, and Hennepin County as well as a Chem Dep have ruled that I do not have a "by the book" problem and it was my choice to stop drinking. Well minus while on house arrest where if you even use a baby wipe you go to jail, I want to take this time to think, and figure out what is really going on.

All I can go over is the people who were my "friends" at this party should have offered to get me a cab, or drive me home, but I am not worried about the what if's. I am taking this as a wake up call. I now see who is really there for me, and I am seeing that people are more willing to point finger then deal with their own issues. I was and am slightly still one of those people. Now that I am sober and clear headed there are so many thoughts and emotions that run through my body I am not sure how to express them nor deal with them.

I am afraid to trust people and let them in. I do not see in myself anything that is worthy of anyone wanting to be part of that. How could anyone like someone like me, I am one hot mess. I come from a broken home, I am used to people using me, I settle for just okay. No one is in my life for long. I do not want to let people in and have them get close because I do not want to have to push them away. I do not want to get hurt, or be walked on. I feel as if I fail at everything I do, but am a perfectionist. Figure that one out!!

Here is where this is all coming from, where my mind started going to make me want to get all of this out. I was sitting in jail, knowing I could not talk to my mother, and my boyfriend would not be able to take a call since he does not have a credit card, and I had no clue when I was going to get out, and my mind was left to wonder since it is hard to sleep in jail. I was sure that a second DUI would be a deal breaker for me "thug" boyfriend. He has a suspended license and now I will not have one so I am sure in my mind we are over because I will have no car, no license, no money due to all of this. Every other man in my life has walked away when I made a mistake so why would he be any different, plus he is good looking and could have any women in the world.

After 4 days I was conditionally released, thank goodness because if I would not have been it would have been me in Hennepin County for a month. I would have lost my dog, and missed out on a job opportunity I will be starting after house arrest. Once they started processing the release papers I was given one free 30 second call. My mom's phone was broke so I call my boyfriend. He answers and the sound of his voice has me in tears, he then says "BABE 20 SECS GO" so I get the information I need to him and time is up. I sit and wait because I have no clue what will be next. Now any of you who know jail, they wait to process the paperwork, take you to holding, then you wait to get your property, then you get your property, and you change and run all this other work. Handed papers, court dates and told to figure out how to get home with your now dead cell phone. The 10 mins I have power on my cellphone there are texts coming in from people that were at the party, and because I had a nice cop my boyfriend knew where I was, had numbers to call my family etc. I ignored all those who I knew were curious and could care less what really happened to get a text from the boy "Call me when you are out, I am so sorry I could not be there to take care of you. I would give anything to help you, sorry boo love you" I start crying because I am happy but emotionally drained.

I get home to the happiest pups in the world to see me, and between not loosing my boyfriend and her I was so happy to be home. A man who has seen my ugly side, knows I now am useless for 2 years, and still is willing to give it his all to be with me. What in the world is going all was all I could think, on top of he must just still be looking for my replacement.

Like all other relationships I have had this one started in a state of mind that was not sober, and my intentions were never to be where I am with him, let alone feel what I do with him. I have been sober more since starting to date him then since I was 21 years old. He never once asked me to not drink, but since he is not a big drinker I just did not drink. He has admitted the few times he has seen me drink, he doesn't like when I drink wine, but other than that he see's this all as a fluke, and one more thing for us to work through.

Unlike anyone else I was truly scared to loose him. I get sad when he has to leave because until we get his license back I never know when I will see him again. I can not sleep when he is not here because I do not feel as safe, or protected. When I see him I get giddy and nervous because I still can not believe how lucky I am. I hate being touchy feely but with him I love it. The stupid things like worrying about getting prego, with him it would not scare me it would be a blessing. He tells me everyday it will be okay, that I am strong and can make it through all this. He makes sure to let me know he thinks I am beautiful every day. He checks in to make sure I am good and things are good and that I am staying positive. He tells me every day how smart I am. Given this is all in his lingo, so half the time I needed to have it translated, but now I understand. That stupid thing girls talk about, when he looks at me I feel special, hot, loved blah blah blah that is how it is with him. I honestly do not know how to do this. I have all these emotions that are so real, and I do not know how to express them. Before it was the alcohol talking. Now it is my heart, and that is scary.

Not just with him but in general, when I am feeling something it is real, it is not chemically imbalanced jargon. It is me, being me, worrying, feeling, expressing me. THIS IS SCARY STUFF. I am now left to deal with these things in real time emotion land. I am in a relationship that I feel is so strong and I feel so lucky and unsure how to make sure he is reminded of how I feel without being a nut job.

I would be a liar if I said I was not scared shitless about moving forward, dealing with all this and being in a world where I have been shown who is really there for me. But being that I can feel that shows me it is going to work out. This is only the beginning, and I have burnt a lot of bridges, and hid a lot of pain, but I am here now. I can not promise I will be sober forever and I can not promise I will be happy go lucky and fixed tomorrow. I can promise that I will try my best, and I can promise that I will let my guard down and try to grasp all this new stuff, emotions and reality. I am left with my mother, sister, and boyfriend as my circle. It is going to be a small support group but it is one that has not turned it's back or made me feel like I am a pile of garbage through all of this, and for that I have faith I will discover what is really going on in my head.

2012....Let's begin

Well the last year was not what I would want to put in my books as a winner, but it is another year that I have lived through and will have lots to learn from. For a moment in time I thought that I was a country song in 2011, but in true fashion I got myself back on track to start 2012 off right.

I found a rather awesome apartment and gained an awesome roommate who I could not have picked better if I were to do it on my own. Things are looking up on the job hunt but there are still some things that I need to figure out.

What makes me happy?

What do I really want to do with my life?

How on earth can I get this dog trained without killing something!?!?!

Is there such a thing as love, and can it happen to me again?

I know these all seem to be basic questions but there has to be a happy medium from where life was and where it is going. I would not trade getting a dog for anything but lately she is just a lot more work than I would like to spend time on. The barking and neediness is the first thing. On top of chewing through EVERYTHING, and having to replace so much stuff. I am hoping that this can all be worked out and I will not have to lose my mind to have a good dog.

I am hoping to enter this year with optimism and get all the answers to my questions. I also need to work on my mental state. I am going to ruin every relationship I could possibly have if I go into it assuming that he is a DB or that he will cheat on me. There is no way to know the out come of a relationship but there is for sure a way to let things ride instead of assume the worst from the get go.