Well as I made the mistake of falling asleep at 9pm and am now awake I can not help but feel the need to express somethings I have been thinking today. I have always had a small family, when my Parents were married we were only allowed to celebrate the holidays with my Fathers side, which included my Grandma, Aunt and Uncle, and My Father, Mother, myself and my sister. Then as I got older and my parents got divorced I was left with only my Mother's side, which by the time I was older was her Mother, my Aunt and Uncle, my Mother, sister and myself. Now that the elders have passed and times are changing my holidays are me, my sister and my Mother. Do not get me wrong I love them to death, but we see each other once a week, if not more so when a holiday comes along it is like "just another day" and there is a meal slightly fancier than normal.
As I looked all over facebook people were looking forward to going to family members homes, and to eating feasts, giving their kids gifts and all other kinds of traditions. I wanted to just stay in bed with my Dog and think of all the reasons that things could only get better not worse. I pulled myself together though, took my Dog to the Dog park, ad then went over to my mother's as it was planned.
This year since I am with out a job and times are tough we decided to skip the presents and just spend time together. Well in true form this failed. My mother got drunk and was asleep by 7pm, I was just not feeling the holiday and was tired. My sister was in the mood but like me was slightly annoyed with my Mother.
I know that Christmas, or any holiday is not about the Presents, it is about time with those that we love but lately my life is moving so fast and changing and all the people out side my family that I love are also far away.
4 Months ago I was with the man I thought would be my forever, had a job I could not stand, and lived in a house surrounded by people whom I thought cared about me. All of that is gone, and now it is me, my Dog, and my thoughts of "What now?" "What do I want with my life?" "Will I be alone forever?" "Is there such a thing as true happiness?" I want to figure this all out and see where this life I have will go, and I want to find true love, start a family, and start new traditions to make the Holidays seem like "not just another day." I know that this has to start with me figuring out me, but I also want to know there is hope and that life is not so blah and full of fake people, fake friends, fake relationships and hate.
One week is left in this year from Hell as I will call it and I really want to start 2012 off with a new outlook, hope in my heart, and a group of people backing me up instead of tearing me down. Is this possible? Can I have all that? Or am I doomed to feel empty, alone, and hopeless?
